


What I Never Said

by JamlessGenius



Category: Lost in Translation (Webcomic)
Genre: Abandonment, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Graphic depiction of death, Hanahaki Disease, Letters, M/M, Sad Ending, Terminal Illnesses, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:21:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24550750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JamlessGenius/pseuds/JamlessGenius
Summary: Striped carnations.Refusal. Of course.(Hello, I’m Ahn Jaewon. If you’re reading this, I’m probably dead)
Relationships: Ahn Jaewon | Wyld/ Kang Dongho | D.Min
Comments: 10
Kudos: 96





	What I Never Said

**Author's Note:**

  * For [i_was_human](https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_was_human/gifts).



** Hello everyone, I’m Ahn Jaewon **

They’d met the first time as trainees. Jaewon had admired him.

They’d met again when put in a project group together. Jaewon hadn’t gotten close to him, but they’d built an amicable camaraderie. 

Then came their debut. And a few other things. Jaewon had lost him, and the relationships with the people he’d told himself would one day become his brothers. Maybe he’d been an idealist, but that’s what should have happened. They were on track to it, too. Until the road had split in half with far too dangerous a gap between to keep going.

And that... hurt.

** You probably know me as Wyld from MAYHEM **

Truthfully, he wasn’t sure how that distance was there anymore. Truthfully, he still felt the need to protect them. Truthfully, even if they hated him, he loved them. 

So when he’d been able to tell a truth, and bridge that gap just a little, it had warmed some of the constant numb pain that was always in his chest. It was such a strange feeling.

Jaewon recalled how he had felt that day. Wasn’t it so funny? That bubbly feeling? The sky was cloudy and all he’d seen was silver linings. Things had a chance to go up.

Until they didn’t. 

Jaewon recalled a lot of things, and he regretted many. But the one he regretted the most had been going to Dongho.

** If you’re actually getting to read this, **

Because looking back, it was the cause, wasn’t it? He’d know that the second it happened. He’d let someone be warm to him. When he was always freezing and numb. A flame of relief and he was stupid enough to take it and grow addicted. Because he was scared and tried to bridge a gap by telling the one truth he shouldn’t, and Kang Dongho didn’t even believe him. Now, looking at his letter, he remembered and let himself regret. He let himself feel. What was the point in not feeling anymore? Everyone knew that there was no clarity on how long it would take to die of what he had. Everyone knew that you’d need to be incredibly unlucky to have this. And incredibly stupid to land yourself where it was this dangerous. He stared at the bland white of his apartment walls and remembered, just for a minute. What else was there to do?

** Then I’m probably dead already. **

Jaewon had been alone, in his bathroom, when the first flower petals came. Dongho had asked about getting a dorm while he was still warm and those sweet smiles also belonged to him. Still, when he’d heard the consideration- he reminded the CEO that it would leave too many loopholes in the sleeping around stories, and he’d successfully gotten the old man to drop it. Dongho had been put out, Jaewon had instead that it was probably for the best. It was for their best, and that was his best. Even if his best was being alone with nobody to help you when the awful feeling of flowers blooming from your mouth started their attack. 

Like any rational person, he’d looked the little petals up. Everyone knew that if you were unlucky enough to have Hanahaki in your DNA that you needed to know at least the significance of flower meanings. 

Striped carnations.

Refusal. Of course. 

What else had Ahn Jaewon faced more than thorns? 

It was obvious who stood behind them. And when really, had it started? Of course he was hopeless enough to fall in love in his situation. 

And with the bandmate who hates him the most.

** Don’t cry for me, or curse my unluckiness. Honestly, worse things have happened to me. **

Jaewon hadn’t had as hard a time hiding them as other people supposedly did. He was always alone, and Jun didn’t really care about him enough to notice. They’d maintained a polite distance since Kang Dongho had yelled at him in front of the cafe when another woman trying to stalk him showed up, he hadn’t even known she was in his apartment. She’d escaped, but they’d seen her.

_ “Was that why you let her go? Because she wasn’t a criminal, and you were just upset that the lay of the night turned out to be clinically insane enough to ever like  _ you _?” _

The words still stung. He’d thought they’d gotten somewhere, for everything to crash down once more. 

** Because of my reputation, it’s a little funny that this is how I’m going out. **

Dongho’s rage and sense of betrayal was fair. Jaewon should have accepted it. He accepted anything quietly because that was who he was. He really would have accepted it. 

If he hadn’t been so grateful for having someone in cold and cutthroat Seoul care about him. 

If he hadn’t realized that his brotherly feelings, his devotion, his willingness to give every piece of him to the taller man were warming up faster than he’d have liked them to. That this kindness was something he wanted to feel the rest of his life.

**What a strange thing for someone to write in their deathbed letter.**

Wasn’t his heart so cruel? To still love someone after they’d decided they didn’t want you in their life? To still be so willing to suffer on the altar of another person’s success?

Jaewon supposed the ever so sweet yet slightly bitter vegetal taste of the flowers that had taken residence in his mouth and throat, almost peppery, was just another sacrifice to add to the list. It wasn’t like the physical pain in his chest wasn’t replacing the constant ache of his heart. He’d always thought that a hurt so bad that your chest felt it wasn’t a real thing. 

Then he became a trainee.

** Since I’m so alone most of the time, these are probably going to be my last recorded words. That’s why I destroy the old letters and write new ones each morning before I leave. **

Jaewon was looking at his letter, as he paused his writing for a moment and set to ripping yesterday’s to shreds. The shreds were always scattered with petals in his trash bin. He never bothered to get rid of the petals because who would see them? The petals came out clumped together by now, ugly with congealed blood. 

Sometimes he managed to shoot a thorn like a dart with them. It always left cuts on his skin when his body decided that an internal attack just wasn’t enough. It liked shredding him from the outside just as much as it did on the inside. 

** What has happened to me, and the lies I’ve had to tell for the people I thought would be my brothers... I don’t know if I’d do them again. But I’m a fool, and I still love them, so I won’t destroy anything and say something too revealing. Though I suppose there’d be no repercussions. For once. **

A perverse part of him liked that. That his outside could somewhat reflect what was inside, without fear of retribution. That what was inside could match the outside. His inside... all its ugliness couldn’t be captured by some ripped skin, but it was _something_.

** There’s a part of me that resents everyone’s ignorance, but I chose it for myself so I can’t complain.  **

They said people who had hanahaki were probably sinners in a past life. Then again, they’d say he’d also been the sinner in this one. He was getting more than sick of what people said. Of what people said, he normally just let them.  
  


** I know a lot of people supported me. I’m sorry for letting you down. I assure you that the other members will be just fine without me. **

They said a lot, like that the group would be better if it only had the members they liked. It was true, he remembered them smiling and laughing. Dancing and working hard. They were so wonderful that even he loved them more than himself. At first, he’d wanted to get the surgery for them. Then he realized that it didn’t matter. Even if he was a great help, he’d already done his part. Which was sit there and let people paint whatever picture was necessary out of him. His leaving would probably propel them forward instead of back, considering how much people hated him. If he wanted to keep helping them, he needed to leave, at this point. And outside of them, he had no purpose or reasons to live. Truthfully, what was there to do but lie down and take it?

** Soon enough, I’ll just be a funny stain on the MAYHEM triad’s history. They’ll do better as three. If you’re reading this, as a fan who supported me, you can forget me now. **

A tear slid down his cheek, dipping in the hollows of his much thinner face. He’d lost weight. Nobody even noticed. Why would they?

He didn’t matter to them. And yet he still wanted the best for them. He wanted them to succeed and smile and laugh and bask in adoration. 

If hanahaki was for love alone, as opposed to romantic love- he’d have assumed it was towards all the members. 

**Because even though the last time I told a big piece of the truth it didn’t work out, I’ll only tell you this.**

But he knew that there was something special in his heart for the eldest member. A warmth, a desire not only to give everything of him to Kang Dongho, but to have all of him in return. The flame that had given him hope once and he so desperately wanted it just one more time.   
He shouldn’t bother, though.

** Ahn Jaewon is not, has not, and never will be Wyld. **

Really, at this point, he’d given all of him. There was nothing left to give. All that was left was to gift them his death. His reputation was in tatters, most of his money was spent on the self maintenance to keep their unit from running without a shitty wheel that wasn’t actually necessary and what wasn’t he sent to his mother, they had all his love, and he’d always find more to give them. He’d rip his heart out of his chest to give them more of the love that those shining lovable people deserved. 

** And I’m sorry for that. **

Not that they’d want it. Nobody wanted the real Jaewon. The real Jaewon’s heart was riddled with injuries and hurt and too ugly for anyone to ever love. The real Jaewon was a passing interest. He was a curiosity that, once sated, would disappear. He was just a punching bag that all the blows at Wyld ended up hitting. The one to make headlines for everyone and suffer the insults and hatred on his own.

Ahn Jaewon didn’t exist to anyone but himself anymore, he wondered if that rendered him a fantasy. 

**  
I’ll bet you want to know who it is, don’t you? This person, someone who saved me and then decided I wasn’t trustworthy. I still love you, you know that? **

He wanted to hate Dongho. But then he saw the stoic man softly, quietly take care of the other members. He’d tease and lift spirits when he needed to. He’d always provide for them. They probably didn’t quite notice, but Jaewon did. For whatever icy title he had, Kang Dongho was a warm person and that was that. 

He supposed all of them took care of MAYHEM in their own ways. And he was the only one who couldn’t handle it. Minsoo did it as only a leader could, Daehyun as only makane could, and Dongho did it with his warmth.

**  
I would have gotten a surgery. I considered it. But this world is already so cold, and in my cold and numbness someone extended to me just a little bit of warmth.**

Of course, none of that warmth was for him. Not again. Not after he’d ruined their relationship twice. Jaewon was too big of a mistake for that, his job was shielding the others and couldn’t even do that right anymore because here he was- dying like a coward. If he were to say that he had Hanahaki, people would tell him to just kill himself and get over it. He wasn’t even worth of the flower petal on someone’s skin that they got with Hanahaki removal. A permanent reminder that someone loved you enough to almost die. If he died instead of fought, then the petal that would appear on Dongho’s wrist when the vines were cut from his chest would never be a reality. 

Kang Dongho hated Ahn Jaewon.

Ahn Jaewon was in love with Kang Dongho.

If Kang Dongho wished that that there was no indication of his existence once he left, Jaewon would give it to him. 

** And to me that was enough. Aren’t I dumb?^^ **

A pain thrashed in his chest, and he spit out more petals. He just let them fall to the floor. It didn’t matter where they went. 

He wanted to cry, but he was out of tears at this point. The flowers had long since begun leaching his water and nutrients. If they weren’t literally grown from him, he’d have called it a parasite. 

He knew it was rapidly encroaching and if he didn’t die today, he would without a doubt do it tomorrow. He might as well do it today, he thought, shutting off his phone and lying on his bed. 

**To my mother, to the MAYNIACS, thank you. You were the ones who supported me and believed in me. Thank you for everything.**

He looked at folded up letter on his nightstand next to his phone, and only then did he break into dry sobs. He could see his fingers beginning to get blue, his chest and head was starting to hurt. There was something that was ripping him apart. Worse now than ever before. Blood had begun to soak through his shirt onto the sheets and he was getting lightheaded. He could feel the vines burst through his chest, and only had the energy to stare at them numbly.

Ahn Jaewon had died as he’d lived: alone.

**BREAKING: Idol Wyld of Boy Group MAYHEM discovered dead by Hanahaki Disease in apartment. Read full article at http...**

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [my answer was laughter, soft as i lowered my head](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24651592) by [i_was_human](https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_was_human/pseuds/i_was_human)




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